You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
