I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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