i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
