oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
