Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
