i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
