I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
