Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
