Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Randomize
