Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
