i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
