He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
