I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
