I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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