i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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