i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
