how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
