My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
