Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
