My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
