Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
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No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
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Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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