Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize