Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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