What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Randomize
