watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
