When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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