now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
