I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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