i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
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Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
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Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment