Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He kissed a someone with a penis
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I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
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I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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