There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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