apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
