i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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