he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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