I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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