I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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