We're like a lot better than the average bears
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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