My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
