Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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