I wish my penis had an off switch
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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