I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
