My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
