woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
