you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize
