Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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