I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
