I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
