sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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