Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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