dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
