you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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