She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
